A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl(L: is Lawyer, P: is Polishman) Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: L: Have you any grounds? P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
[font color=hotpink]So yea, I like to keep people participating in the threads, so i figured i could start a thread where we could all post links to funny vids. Here are mines:Suicidal Dog: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/dog-suicide-p1.php (this one is cute, not lol funny)James Brown High on Sonya: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Teda-1-xyDcJamie Foxx Embarrasses Newcomer Comedian: http://youtube.com/watch?v=B_L-gbpKZpo[/font]
What kind of jokes do you like? (black humor, low-class jokes, short jokes, english jokes...)What jokes are most popular in your county?In my country the most popular are about new russians or a boy called "Petriukas"... also we have many jokes from soviet union about their animatad, historical charecters
A motorist speeding along a highway at 80 miles an hour was stopped by a policeman. Was I driving too fast? Asked the motorist apologetically.Oh no, replied the policeman. You were flying to low. Says jack: what made you go in to the army,Tom?Well, replied Tom, I had no wife, and I loved war. What made you join the army,Jack?Well, he replied ihad a wife, and I loved peace, so i went to the war.
I'm sorry, said the diner, who hoped to get away with it, but I haven't any money to pay for that meal.That's all right, said the cashier we'll write your name on the wall and you can pay the next time you come in.Don't do that. Everybody who comes in wall see it.Oh, no, they won't. Your overcoat will be hanging over it.
So many daughters has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of wedding?I will leave that to my fiancee.Will you have a church or a private wedding?Her mother can decide that sir.What have you to live on?I will leave that entirely to you sir.
Why did you break your engagement to Tom?
Lady (in theater) - pardon me, sir, does my hat bother you?Gentleman behind- no, but it bother my wife. She wants one like it. Why did you break your engagement to Tom?He deceived me. He told me he was a liver and kidney specialist, but I found out that he only worked in a butcher's shop.
As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?" "Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.
You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times.What did you steal?A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.
Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby
The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom,one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly,her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents,but her sister has broken the tradition. "How?"I asked. "Her marriage was arranged by her unborn baby." "What do you mean?"I was puzzled. "She had to get married because of her premarital pregnancy,"She explained in embarrassment.
My husband's brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife's native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."Joseph declined the offer by saying,"Thank you,but I can't drink even one drop." "Then our dinner won't be over
There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says. "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say `baloney` it means push harder, and when I say `pastrami` it means push slower." With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts &qu
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark. A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife`s rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark. Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calml
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an or
DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR You"re easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls` school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Men's room Peace mate.
I can' t find my dog !
What say a little tomato to a old tomato?ketchup!!
How is it~?
**** Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Immigration control:-Name?-Abdul Saiid Wahad...-Sex?-Four times a week...-No, no - male, female?-Male, female, sometimes camel...And another one:Immigration control:-Name?-Abdul Saiid Wahad...-Sex?-Yes, please... Notice from infamousflame: These are in very bad taste, don't post something like this again.
Smoking kills. Dont believe? Watch this ---> flash movie . And don't smoke
Simpsons become to Singhsons !
Check it out Singhsons
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Pinoy samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his sword and-swish!-the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the f
Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no. Man : How old is your father? Boy : As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy : He became a father only when I was born. Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first. Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the
dancer at a construction site meets a "shape shifter"
Snippet Of '9 Things I Detest About Everybody'
Probably you found this somewhere online but I just thought I would share it to more people. *Grins* Quite humorous. In a weird sense of a way. x]9 Things I Hate About Everyone1. People who point at their wrist while asking forthe time.... I know where my watch is pal, where theheck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I askwhere the toilet is?2. People who are willing to get off their lazy behinds tosearch the entire room for the TV remote because theyrefuse to walk to the TV and change t
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted,
17 Things To Do When Ordering A Pizza
1. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.2. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."3. Put them on hold.4. Report a petty theft to the order taker.5. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.6. Be vague in your order. When they ask what you'd like on your pizza say, "Oh, a little of this, a little of that..."7. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.8. If they repeat the order to make sure the
Whats the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?A drunk driver will go right through a stop sign while a stoned driver will sit at it and wait for it to turn green.
This one is really goodHaving a bad day?When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying, "Hello."I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
Here are some blonde jokes:Two blondes were driving down the road. On both sides of the roads are corn fields. Suddenly they see a blonde in the middle of a field in a row boat.The driver turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"Then, the other blonde says "Yeah, I know. If I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."---Three blondes walk into a bar. You thikn one of them would have seen it.---And heres one
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an enginee
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 electron, 25 neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 100 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 201. These 201 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no protons, it is inert. However, it
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing
GANGULY EXAM Max. Marks :[100] [Time: 3 Hours] Instructions: 1. Answer all questions 2. All the answers should comply with Ganguly’s standards 3. Assume anything if necessary 4. Answers should be copied from the question papers only 5. Use proper slangs if necessary Note: Only Ganguly can score 100 out of 100 marks. If anybody found to score 100 marks shall replace Ganguly in the Indian .Squad [I] Answer any 5 Questions (2 marks each) 1) What is common to a 100 mtrs race and Ganguly’s innings? A
So i'm at work at the customer service desk and standing next to me is Kaliee. So we are bored so i pull out my house key and start turing it on her shoulder. Well after about 30 seconds of this she looks at me and asks what are you doing. I said i'm trying to turn you on.
in my country this kind of jokes are plentyits a question and u must guess the answer. i dont know if i ll translate this one nice but... why little annie can do push ups?cz her head hits her tombstonewhy little annie's tomb has the shape of cross?cz they couldnt remove the bus from herhow did little annie make little john fell in love with her?with her father gun
Anyone ever heard of The Twisted Wish Game?! It's the forum game that's sweeping the nation! ... actually, it's not sweeping the nation, but I do like the game, and bet you will too.The Rules and Guidelines:To begin, I will post my wish; this can be WHATEVER. I mean it - it doesn't matter. Go wild.Once I have made my wish, the next person to reply will thusly TWIST my wish - in other words, make some cockamamy story to make my wish go awry. Afterwards, he posts his ow
I Didn't Do My Math Homework Because..
Hey guys how are you doing, here are some popular excuses and others some friends told me. Enjoy!!Math Homework1) There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.2) I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy.3) Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it up.4) A four-dimensional dog ate it.5) Maple Crashed.6) I had too much pi and got sick.7) I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.8) It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.9) I couldn't decide whe
Hey guys, here are some pick up lines some friends and I were discussing, some are real funny others aren't, check them out!1)Want to see my log?2) You fascinate me hello more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. 3) Since x= vt(distance equals velocity times time), then let's let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. 4) My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing. 5) Let's convert our potential energ
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...?
Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer:[COLOR=white]Screeech.... Thump. We will never know..Solitude
Gulshan Grover is riding a bike at the velocity oflight.>On the way he offers a lift to a stranger.>>Stranger: 'Sir, can I know your name please'>Gulshan : 'I am Gulshan Grocer'>Stranger : Grocer? Sure you dont mean GulshanGrover??>Gulshan: No it is Grocer.>>Now tell me why did Gulshan say so...>>>>>>>>>scroll down for the ultimate PJ>>>>>>>>Further,,,>>>>>>>>>>Little further.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." QUOTE"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd
The Blonde And The Tv ( Joke )
A blonde walks into a store. She finds a great TV and goes up to the clerk."Sir, I'd like to buy that TV over there.""Sorry, we don't sell those to blondes." What? she thought.So, she dyes her hair red and goes back again."Sir, I'd like to buy that TV over there.""I'm sorry, we don't sell those to blondes." Uggh! This was really getting on her nerves!So, *sigh* she dyes her hair brown and goes back AGAIN."Si
Nasa Posts First Pictures Of Water On Mars
The search is FINALLY OVER !In the end, they didnt even need to spend billions on those sillly little robots. http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap050401.html
Beer Translations 1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I''ll be leaving before the next round. 2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50. 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. 4. "Can I get a gla
Governmentium: New Element Discovered
Scientist discover new element!The August 2000 fire at the Los Alamos Laboratory had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document, discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire, was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that, besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive e
What Was Toronto Thinking In 1923?
Recently, I was working on my science project on Transportation of Toronto (since I'm from Toronto) and I borrowed The TTC Story - The First Seventy-Five YearsQUOTEI was working on my Science project on transportation. So, I rented some books for information and I found this picture from The TTC Story - The First Seventy-five YearsI was thinking, either the city planner wasn't thinking straight or are the citizens too hyped up for a public transportation?You're welcomed to post your
Ok, here it goes, some guy said this once, I can't remember who but it's quite funny, so I just wanted it to share:All I learned on the MIT was this:Linux/Unix - You think it doesn't work, but if you ask the right smartass for it, it works.Apple - You think it work, but it doesn't.Windows - You think it doesn't work, and it doesn't Hope you liked it.-=jeroen=-
President Bush is desperate. Is Osama bin Laden Already death, or is he still allife? Osama decides to help him a bit, so he send Bush a personal message from his secret hiding place: 370HSSV-0773H. Short but powerful. Bush doesn't got a clue what it means. He ask the FBI, CIA and the NSA, but none of them knows what the message have to mean. At last the White House asks the British MI-6. Less then two minutes later Washington gets a response; "Tell the president to read the message ups
lol, this is funny:QUOTESoftware Testing is not politically Correct.NEW YORK -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's watch list of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products." said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products a
Abbott And Costello: Buying A Computer
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please readon... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:QUOTE COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an offic
Did you know that if you play a windows installation disk backwards you hear the voice of satan?...but even worse...If you play it forwards it installs windows!*shivers*
Silly Dumb Questions For Fun..
Why we dont ever heard a physic wins a lottery? if you try to fail and succeeded, what have you done?>Why is abbreviated such a long word?>If a poison expires, is it still poisonous?>If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Hello ,QUOTEWife: Honey..... What are You Looking for¿ Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ? A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so. Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Joke: Hilarious Classroom Quotes By Our Teachers
Actually our school is so horible, most of the below quotes were used by our teachers. A friend of mine had a record of all those.# Inside the Class:* Both of u three, get out of the class.* (Facing the Board) Dont talk in front of my back.* Open the doors of the window. Let the airforce come in (Physics Teacher).* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.* Shhh... quiet, boys... the principal just passed away in the corridor.* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class..
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to have sex with the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woma
I saw this in a magazine but I'm uncertain where credit for this should go, as I was just at a news stand looking at everything to fill time in.The cartoon strip showed many historical events of the transition from Morse code to SMS Messaging and it related back on it's similarities.It starts off with a person doing morse code by tapping the buzzer in this means of communication, then shows the phone's history and it's means of communication by voice, then off track it shows how
Was This Joke Posted On This Forum?
I read a joke on a forum a few months ago and was wanting to find it and share it.Can anyone recall if it was here on this forum? It was a memo regarding phrases that Indian workers were not allowed to say in their native tongue in front of english speaking co-workers.Gin
Can't remember how I came across this funny video on StupidVideos, but it cracks me up every time I watch it. http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_pla...atches_on_Fire/
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